BUT DON'T KIDS NEED TO LEARN COMPLIANCE?
Do we just let them run amuck or do whatever the heck they want?
I get this pushback every single time I talk about nervous system-first approaches. If you follow any of my posts on Instagram (@drdavidapalmer), you might start to think that I am promoting permissive parenting or just wanting grown-ups to coddle their kids.
The fear is real: What about safety? Rules? Order? "You want my classroom to be chaos? What happens when they run into traffic or punch their sibling?"
Here's the thing: I'm not advocating for anarchy.
I'm advocating for cooperation over compliance. And there's a massive difference.
COMPLIANCE = "Do what I say because I said so"
COOPERATION = "Let's work together because this matters"
Let me address your biggest concerns:
1. "What About Safety?"
You're absolutely right. Kids cannot run into streets or touch hot stoves.
But here's what actually works:
Compliance approach: "DON'T RUN IN THE STREET OR YOU'LL BE IN TROUBLE!" “IF YOU HIT YOUR SISTER AGAIN, THEN…!!!”
Cooperation approach: "Streets are dangerous. Cars can't see you. We hold hands here to keep you safe."
The difference: One creates fear-based obedience that only works when you're watching. The other builds internal understanding that protects them when you're not there.
Dysregulated kids can't process threats anyway. When their nervous system is activated, the compliance demand just adds more activation. More dysregulation—for you and them.
Need more clarity? Not sure how to support your child’s or students’ nervous system? All out of energy and ideas?
Book a free, 30-minute call with me! Let’s collaborate and find one solution you can implement immediately! Don’t let another day pass without getting the support you need and the peace of mind you want.
2. "What About Aggression?"
Violence is never okay. But punishing aggression doesn't stop it - it just makes it go underground. Or worse, it makes it an acceptable means of conflict resolution.
Here's what I do:
Immediate safety first - Separate, protect everyone
Address the nervous system - "Your body is really upset. Let's help it feel safe."
Teach the skill - "When you're angry, you can stomp your feet, hit a pillow, or ask for help."
Punishment teaches kids to hide their big emotions. Teaching regulation gives them tools to handle them.
3. "What About Classroom Management?"
Listen. I taught middle and high schoolers for over 20 years. Trust me, I get it! But here's what I learned:
Rigid compliance systems create MORE chaos, not less. When 30% (or more) of your class has neurodivergent brains, behavior charts and consequences become a daily shame spiral and continual triggers.
What actually works:
Clear expectations with reasons - "We walk in hallways so everyone feels safe"
Predictable routines - Reduces anxiety that drives "misbehavior"
Regulation breaks built in - Prevents dysregulation instead of punishing it
Connection before correction - Regulated kids cooperate naturally
The most regulated classrooms I've seen have the least "behavior problems."
3. "What About Following Authority?"
Here's where Bob Ross meets Gordon Ramsay:
Some things are non-negotiable. Safety rules, respect for others, basic functioning - these matter.
But HOW we enforce them makes all the difference.
Bob Ross energy (HAPPY LITTLE ACCIDENTS): "I see you're struggling with this rule. Let's figure out what's making this hard for you."
Gordon Ramsay energy (without the @!*!$$@%): "We DO NOT hit our friends. That's not happening in my classroom. Period."
Instead of: "Because I'm the adult and I said so. (My grandparents’ favorite line)
Try: "This rule exists because..."
Give them the WHY. Neurodivergent kids especially need to understand the logic. They're not being defiant - they're trying to make sense of arbitrary-seeming demands.
The Real Question
It's not whether kids need structure and safety - they absolutely do.
The question is: Do you want compliance or competence?
Compliance gets you temporary obedience. Cooperation builds lifelong decision-making skills.
Kids who understand WHY rules exist follow them even when no one's watching. Kids who only know "because I said so" need constant surveillance.
The Bottom Line
Your concerns about safety and chaos are valid. I'm not asking you to let kids run wild.
I'm asking you to build cooperation instead of demanding compliance.
Bob Ross energy for emotional regulation, Gordon Ramsay energy for safety and respect.
Regulated kids cooperate naturally. Dysregulated kids can't comply even when they want to.
Which approach are you willing to try with one kid this week?
